the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
