Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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