If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
