Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
