I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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