Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
