I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize