that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
