Cold hands, warm shart.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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