the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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