I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
