I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
