Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
