Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
