I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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