I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
