the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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