I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
