I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
