Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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