I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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