i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
