she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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