i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
