Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
