Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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