I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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