you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
