I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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