i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
