omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize