I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
