There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
