I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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