I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
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