Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
