just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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