Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
vagina is talking i cant
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
