Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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