can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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