Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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