I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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