I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
