I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
