If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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