If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
