you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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