I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
