Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
worst night to have a conscience
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
