It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
