He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
As shirtless as possible
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
