she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
