Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
