My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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