If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
