The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
sarcasm needs its own font
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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