if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
