If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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