I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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