If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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